Feelings

I am not here, I am not there, I am not anywhere.
Tired of trying, tired of crying, tired of hiding.
Trying to cope on my own, trying to find my way home.
I give up, I give in, my head is in a spin.
Breathe in, Breath out, scream and shout.
No one hears your cries of pain, stuff it down inside again.
Put on your happy face smile…you’d think they would know it’s fake after awhile, but that would take someone to notice, someone to care, someone to see you’re even there.
You’ll be forgotten before you’re ever remembered.
My heart aches, my soul wants to escape.

The Whole Mess

I’ve been missing for a while as some of you may have noticed. I’ve had computer problems and life problems all at the same time and it’s been hard for me to get back into my routine. Right now, I still feel like a mixed up mess.

First my daughter was terribly ill for nearly two weeks and then I was ill and so I had not been able to get to the gym for three weeks. I was doing so well, and now felt so far behind. Then we had a death in our extended family, which brought up all kinds of strong emotions for me. I was not only mourning the loss of a wonderful person but also my father’s death from when I was 17 and the only person home with him when it happened. Add to that worrying about my mother who is 82 and suffering with Alzheimer Disease, wondering if God will take her before she gets to the point where she no longer remembers me. I’m terribly afraid to lose the person who has been closest to me my entire life to either her disease or to death.

I tried to work my way through this devouring depression by doing yard chores to the point where I aggravated my Carpel Tunnel in both arms and now was hardly able to function. Worst of all, I blew my over six month success of not smoking and bought myself a pack of cigarettes. I never should have done it as I had no idea it would be so easy to smoke them and have them nagging at my brain to buy more. Failure was quickly becoming my new description of myself.

I guess the good news to all of this is that I don’t like feeling depressed and so I’m trying to crawl out from the rock that currently resides over me. My hands have started to get a little better and so I’m here at my blog pouring my heart out to you all once again. Writing makes me feel better although finding the right words is a challenge. I actually have several things I want to write about and they aren’t all depressing so that’s good news for you!

Here’s to making a come back!

Thanks for listening to Thea!